Forget
by fluorescent-adolescent13
Summary: Alicia knew that she would never forget that night.


"Rough one last night, Dr Monroe?" Charlie asked as Alicia walked past him, chuckling slight at the sight of her. She could hardly blame him. Her hair was knotted and wild, and the baggy grey hoodie that she had shoved on was speckled with the colour of her newly painted living room walls. It was the first thing that she'd found after creeping downstairs in her underwear, running shoes and a pair of dirty socks in hand.

Her eyes stayed firmly glued to the ground as he spoke. She barely acknowledged the older man's words. The only thing that Alicia could focus on was putting one foot in front of the other without having to divert to the nearest bin to empty her stomach. Not that there was much in it other than the remainder of last night's wine. She glanced around to him at the last moment, plastering a tight smile across her lips. Charlie didn't seem to think much of it at all. Luckily. The nurse had seen her like this on more than a few early shifts in the ED. Alicia wished it were just another one of those. That she could put it down to not being much of a morning person. That the night behind her was nothing more than a bad dream.

But she couldn't. It was real.

There was a part of her that was starting to regret coming in at all. Pulling a sicky would have been so much easier but the department was understaffed and strained enough as it was. She wasn't going to be the one that filled the sinking ship with more water. Besides, she wasn't one for phoning in. She never had been. It would make people ask questions and she didn't have the energy to keep up another lie.

She couldn't go back home. To that house. A soundly sleeping Eddie in her bed wasn't something that she could face all over again.

The saving grace of it though, was that she had come in that little bit earlier than most of her colleagues. And him. Well, more like she had run a few miles in. Alicia was sure that she had done more than a couple laps of Holby before stopping, and for that the water pressure in the staff showers was calling her name. It was a tiny blessing but nevertheless the blonde was grateful. Alicia would take anything she could get at this point.

The staff room was only a few feet away. Alicia's eyes narrowed in on it straight away - praying that no more voices would call her name before she reached the door. The dirty jumper and gym leggings combo was never one that she was able to rock. Especially not when she had the remainder of yesterday's mascara hanging out underneath her eyes. On the bright side though, it meant the bags had company. Thankfully there was a fresh pair of scrubs folded up and waiting for her in her locker. Maybe by the time that she had showered and gotten ready for her shift, Alicia thought, she would be able to stomach a cup of tea. However just the idea of it now made her feel sick. She was starting to think that she would never be rid of the feeling.

Alicia let out a small sigh of relief as she reached her locker. The place was empty. No questions. No conversation. No unwanted F1's. No Ethan.

* * *

Alicia pulled her jumper off over her head. Her eyes darted to the bathroom door again, checking for third time in that minute alone that she had locked it. It was the first time that she'd had a chance to stop moving and take a breath all morning. She could have stood in the silence for hours. The blonde reached for the waistband of her leggings and pulling them down a few inches.

She stopped suddenly. Her breath hitched. There was a painful twinge in her stomach to accompany the ache that had formed between her legs. She had begun to get used to it, but with each passing moment another memory that she didn't know of flooded her mind. Memories that she could have done without.

 _Her palms were pressing down into the carpet below her, trying to hold herself steady as she took another step towards the top landing. He had both of his hands on her hips - doing his part to keep her as balanced as possible - but she hardly even noticed them._

 _Alicia had practically fallen asleep on top of Eddie downstairs. They had been talking for hours on her sofa, getting to know each other a little better, and flirting their way through more than one bottle of wine. After staying away from alcohol for so long after her stint in Calais the blonde's tolerance for drink had taken a slight dip. And now she was suffering the consequences._

She was sure that Eddie hadn't misunderstood her. She wasn't that type of girl anymore. Maybe in the past some of her decisions had been slightly questionable. That wasn't who she was anymore, and besides he certainly hadn't known her long enough to know about that side of her. Alicia had barely been able to keep her eyes open for more than a few moments at a time nevermind get up to anything else. How had the younger doctor missed that?

Or had he ignored her?

 _"You can stay over if you like," Alicia slurred. "It's late, and I have a spare room."_

 _Eddie lowered her down onto the bed slowly, chuckling slightly at the sight of her as she swayed gently from side to side. He knelt down in front of her and unzipped her boots, tossing them over to the other side of the room without a second thought. Her room wasn't exactly tidy anyway but she'd hardly expected to have a guest. Their lips connected. It didn't matter to him that Alicia wasn't quite as game as he was. The kiss was sloppy and messy, and almost entirely one sided, but Alicia smiled lazily._

 _Eddie didn't seem to care that the woman in front of him was struggling to keep herself upright. He didn't see it at all. Alicia let her eyes droop closed again, happily falling back into the warm fuzz that a night of vodkas and wine and shots of tequila had left her with._

 _She wasn't sure if she had leaned back herself or if it had been Eddie that pushed her down._

 _"You don't mind if I stay?" Eddie smiled. Alicia shook her head. "I'm going to go grab my phone."_

Her sheets were fresh. She remembered that too. She had only just made up her bed that morning. Her mum had bought her the set from Debenhams.

Alicia shook herself. Hard. How could she have been so stupid? She shouldn't have even let him through her front door. She had led him on to believe that she wanted him. Made him think that she wanted them to. It didn't matter how much the blonde tried to push away the thoughts. They were stuck. Alicia just wanted to forget.

Alicia placed a hand on either side of the sink, her fingers gripping onto the white porcelain until they turned the same colour. She could barely keep herself steady. The mirror wasn't doing her any favours. The redness of her eyes and the bags that lay below them were the only real sign to the outside world that something wasn't right, but even then it was hardly suspicious given how overworked they all were. There was a part of her that was almost grateful. There were no bruises, no scratches, no reminders. She would be lying if she said that she weren't sore but she had done worse.

On the other hand, Alicia had nothing to hold onto. Maybe she had built this up to be more than it was. Maybe she was just being overdramatic. Sure, she hadn't wanted to go there with Eddie but she was at first, and Eddie knew that. And she had told him to stop. Maybe he hadn't heard her.

Maybe he didn't care, Alicia thought.

Another deep breath. The blonde pulled off her t-shirt.

There it was.

She knew that it was all too good to be true. That she had spoken too soon. It was screaming out at her. Her eyes drifted down to her collarbone and the bile rose quickly in her throat. Alicia wanted to put her fist through the glass. It wouldn't solve anything, but it would take away the sight of the red and purple that stained her skin. She'd had her fair share of them before but this wasn't the same. Love bites. That's what they used to call them at school. There was no love about it. Hopefully she had some concealer in her locker. It wasn't like anyone would be able to see it, she could hide the mark underneath her scrubs. Nobody would notice.

She knew that it was there though.

Her brain shifted into autopilot. Alicia hardly realised that she'd taken off her underwear until she saw them hit the floor. The water in the shower was far too hot but she made no effort to change it. She didn't mind. Even when it was practically searing into her skin. Alicia hardly even flinched. It made her feel on the outside the way that she felt on the inside.

Alicia pressed her back against the cubicle wall, letting out a long deep breathe at the feeling of the cold tile as she slid down to the cubicle floor. Her mind flicked back to another memory. The last time that she had been sitting in this same spot, with the shower pouring down furiously, was after her first death. It was almost ironic.

That was the day that she had left Holby.

Alicia shook herself.

They'd been having such a nice night. Alicia couldn't understand where it had gone wrong. They had left the pub a little before last orders were called. They had kissed and then walked, and then kissed some more, deciding that maybe they should bypass the idea of finding somewhere else to drink. Christ, they had even shared a bag of chips on the way back to hers. Though, the only reason that Alicia remember that was because she chucked them back up somewhere along her impromptu 4am run.

Eddie had been so nice to her. She hadn't thought twice about inviting him back for one of the housewarming bottles of red that lay in wait in her cupboard. It was her fault. She had left him on. Alicia retched. There was nothing left in her stomach to get out. She rested her head between her knees and tried to steady her breathing. The burning in her throat only grew more intense as she coughed and spluttered again.

What had she done?

* * *

As soon as the nurse said those words - that there had been a major incident - Alicia knew that she had to get her head straight. She'd been floating along for the past half an hour, ignoring the hustle and bustle of an early ED morning, but she had to flip a switch. There were people that needed her help. There was always going to be people waiting on her to help them. She just had to get on with it.

Alicia was just relieved that it was Bea in resus with Ethan and not her own F1 waiting on her. As much as she was trying, she couldn't quite concentrate on all that the consultant was saying as he carried out the patient's primary survey - even when he called out a few instructions for her. Her legs carried her a few feet from the bed without her permission.

It would have been fine. Her muscle memory had carried her that far. But she glanced out through the window into resus 2 on her way to grab a bag of saline, and there he was. Oblivious. Like nothing had happened. Like nothing was wrong. Alicia wondered if Eddie even knew. If he did, she had no idea how he could stand there and not even bat an eyelid. He probably just thought it had been a great night.

The blonde felt dizzy.

"You okay?" Bea asked, placing a hand gently on the older doctor's should and bringing her out of her daze.

Alicia flinched. Her eyes darted away from Eddie and onto the redhead, flashing her the same fake smile that she she had given Charlie earlier in the day before taking a steps back towards Ethan. It didn't do much to reassure either of them.

"Yes, thanks," Alicia replied hastily. Ethan's gaze lingered on her. He wasn't so sure that he believed her either. It took her a moment to realise what she had forgotten. "Oh...damn!"

Bea smiled back. "Don't worry, I've got it."

Alicia huffed at herself. If she couldn't do her job then what could she do.

"Need to take five minutes?"

"No, I'm fine," she shot him down. "Thanks."

Ethan still wasn't convinced. "Why don't you go book him in for a head CT?"

She wasn't going to stand and argue with him. The last thing that she wanted was to cause any sort of scene in front of her colleagues, and end up the topic of break time gossip later on over a cup of tea. So, Alicia bit it. She turned sharply on her heels and took a few quick strides towards the doors of resus. She could hear Ethan following closely at her tail but she didn't turn back around.

"Alicia-!"

The blonde cut him before he could say anything else to her. "Yeah, sorry. My head's just not in gear that's all." It wasn't like she was lying.

"Yeah," Ethan frowned. She could see the worry in his eyes. It made her want to come clean right there and then. "It's nothing to do with what I said last night? We're okay?"

Alicia could have said far worse than she did. She wanted to. Badly. It didn't matter how guilty he felt over ditching her in an instant for whoever was on the other end of last night's text message. She couldn't have cared less. It wasn't like they were ever going to get back to how they were before, and she had to accept that.

"It's not all about you, Ethan," Alicia snapped. "Sorry to disappoint you."

The blonde turned away from him again without giving him a hint of a second chance. She wanted to be so much more bitter. To slip in a comment about how whoever he was seeing only had to snap their fingers for him to come running. But it certainly wouldn't help anyone if she had, and Alicia had far bigger issues on her plate than him. She had been telling the truth when she said it wasn't all about him.

Alicia gave herself another shake. That seemed to be all that she was doing today.

"Have you seen this?" Jacob's voice caught her attention as she made her way towards a free computer. "Looks nasty."

It did. The bus driver that was in resus had left one hell of a mess behind him at the scene, and BBC Bristol were having a field day picking the story up. The blonde watched the screen for a few moments before her eyes drifted up to a loose cup that was sitting beside the monitor. Someone had etched her name across the lid with a thick black marker.

"What's that?" Alicia asked, nodding to the coffee.

"Oh," Jacob replied, though he was only half paying attention. He was waiting to be taken off of hold. He never caught her reaction. "Eddie left it for you. I told him not to-." He stopped. Someone picked up. "Hello?!"

Eddie.

It was like the F1 was following her everywhere that she went. She could practically feel his breath on the back of her neck. Why would he buy her coffee? Alicia's eyes fell back down to the cup again. If Eddie was trying some sick mind games on her then she certainly didn't want to play.

"Alicia-?" Dylan called from a few metres away. The blonde swivelled around at the sound of her name. "Five minutes and then I'll get Dr. McAllister back to you."

You can keep him, she wanted to shout back.

They made eye contact only briefly. Eddie had a hint of a smile on his lips. She couldn't give him the same. All that she had was a sinking feeling in her chest and the thought that she was never going to be able to escape him. She turned back around sharply.

Alicia had to get out of there.

* * *

Going to the entrapment had been an impulsive decision, but she couldn't help herself. It probably hadn't been the smartest move considering the state that she was in and even just as she was sitting in the back of the ambulance she could hear Mrs Beauchamp's voice berating her for leaving the ED without notice. She knew that they were swamped but Alicia had to get out of there. In hindsight, at least letting Connie know where she was going would have been wise. She'd sworn that she would do it on the way but it had slipped her mind completely. Though, looking at the young girl in front of her now - scared and alone - Alicia knew that she would do the same thing a thousand times over.

"You're going to be fine," Alicia repeated for the third time since they'd hit the road. "We're almost at the hospital."

She looked over to Iain, and then back to Nina. The doctor couldn't understand how they both weren't turning blue from the cold. How they weren't as freezing as she felt. At least, neither of them looked it. Alicia was doing everything in her power to stop her own hands from shaking, to stop herself from ringing them furiously together in an attempt to disperse the growing ache that was accompanying the cold.

Iain suggested that she get herself checked out. She didn't mean to bit his head off about it. He was right after all. Alicia would be lying if she said she weren't struggling. It didn't matter though. Nina was more important that her own problems. She could wait as long as she had to.

The journey to the ED was quick. They were all grateful for that much. The doors of the ambulance were pulled open as soon as they came to a stop outside of the hospital, and Alicia's eyes locked onto Ethan's own anxious pair.

"Hey," the words fell out of her mouth. "Did you get the message?"

"Yeah."

Bea chimed in. "Resus is prepped."

Alicia nodded, pushing herself to her feeting and grabbing onto a corner of the stretcher. "She's had a litre of saline and she's still tachycardic at 100. BP remains low. She's in a lot of pain and her lower leg remains swollen-."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Ethan replied, a hand pressing gently against her lower back. He wasn't sure he'd even been so relieved in his life. The message had come through that everyone on the scene was okay, but the news in the background painted a different picture. The staff could barely tear their eyes away from it. How could anyone make it out of that mess in one piece?

"Yes."

"Nice and loud for me, Alicia."

She took a deep breath. "This is Nina, twenty years of age. She was involved in a coach crash and a mudslide at around 10am." They began walking. For a second her worries disappeared completely. This was familiar. She could do this in her sleep. "Tension pneumothorax decompressed at the scene. She has an open fracture to her right femur and her lower right leg was crushed. Ketamine was given at the scene enabling leg manipulation and freedom..."

There he was. Again. Smiling and laughing with another doctor. He nodded slightly at Alicia as they group passed him by. As if they were fine. As if nothing had happened. As if they were friends. Alicia struggled to finish her sentence.

The next few minutes passed by in a daze for the blonde. One moment they were rushing down the corridor and the next she was leaning over Nina's bed, asking whether or not the younger woman wanted anything to do with her parents.

Ethan's voice brought her back.

"You want to do a fasciotomy here?"

Alicia piped up immediately. "What? It's too risky."

She was swaying back and forwards, barely keeping herself up right. She still felt as cold as she had back on the coach. The smell of the soil still lingered on her jacket. Dylan's voice pierced through the fuzz that had settled in her mind again but she wasn't paying much attention to it. All she wanted to do was hold Nina's hand and tell her that it was all going to be fine, that someone was there for her.

There was a part of Alicia that wished someone would do the same for her. The thought of Eddie in her room forced itself back into her head. It made her dizzy. She couldn't help but replay it over and over again though. They had kissed in the pub, and they had kissed downstairs. But it was different then. It had almost been nice. The blonde could practically still feel his lips against hers. How his tongue had forced its way into her mouth and how no matter what she did, her brain couldn't force her body to fight back.

On any other occasion Alicia might have even felt embarrassed for showing herself up they way that she had - for getting herself into such a state in front of a guy that she liked. That she had liked.

She'd done the same thing in front of Ethan all of those months ago. She'd even bought him a new pair of shoes from the hospital gift shop in an attempt to make up for the pair that she had been sick all over. The difference though, was that Ethan had left her with a glass of water and an empty basin by her bed - two paracetamol waiting by her side for when she woke.

All that Eddie had left her with was...this. And she was going to need something a little stronger than a few painkillers.

Had she said no?

Alicia's legs buckled underneath her.


End file.
